Hello beautiful beings,
The Super-Full-Moon Spring Equinox is upon us. I saw others write about this being a Worm-moon (when the worms start making more worm-babies in the dirt for fertilization of all that is to come— oooh, nice metaphor for ourselves, no?) - however I have to say it feels more like a worm-hole moon! A time for big shifts and jumping timelines by transmuting the old ones. In my previous blog post, I asked of us all- what parts of ourselves are still frozen and ready to melt? What offerings do we have to bestow upon the world, that we are holding back with shame? …and where are we allowing that shame to cover up our excitement of the possibility that these things just very may well come to life, with a little bit of tender love and nurturance?
I’ve been practicing bearing witness to my shame. Seeing my shame as it wears itself on me. Seeing all it’s different shades and iterations. Hearing shame hide beneath the tickle in my throat, watching it crawl behind my eyes after I share something that makes me feel vulnerable with another, or within a group. I am embracing that shame. I am pulling it out of my being, by acknowledging it. I am making literal knots on a string every time I feel it rise with in me. The string is very long now and there are many knots tied. I am mourning how long I have made myself blind to the agreements I had made with it. Namely, everywhere I allowed myself to believe that this shame was me. Was my voice, were my thoughts, were my feelings. Was in my face, my blood and bones, my skin. “Shame on shame”- is what an old grandma at the sweat lodge I was at last Saturday in a small town outside Portland, Oregon, said- into the invisible flames- as steam gathered around our ankles and thighs, as it crept up our faces…
“Shame on shame” she said.
Funny pictures aside- there is wisdom her response. I had just shared with the group in the lodge, I had just made a prayer, that we may all release our shame into the earth. I had spoken to the great waves of shame moving through me in the past week. I had spoken to being in a place of grieving, how this grief moved waves of shame out of me. This sweat was my first Thunderbird lodge, the man who poured it explained to us “The thunderbird lodge is where you come to pray for you. It’s ok, because you can’t heal anyone else out there if you can’t heal you. When you heal you, you are helping everyone else on the planet by making that change.” …I liked that.
Another very wise woman and healer that I am so lucky to work with enlightened me to the nature of shame only days before then. She was holding space for me as I let the tears out. Where were they all coming from? From my shame releasing. Shame for being alive. Shame for being a woman. Shame for having a body. All the shame that had ever been projected on my being- avalanching out. It was like all of the sneaky predatorial looks and whistles, the inappropriate touches, the psychic invasions, the dominations and fantasies I could HEAR them thinking- had piled on top of me and was weighing me down. Keeping me dead. Not so much the Princess and the Pea. More like, the Priestess under the Avalanche. (Laugh out loud.) And now, I was finally allowing it all to melt, by being willing to face it, hold it, see it, and let this shame go. What this healer enlightened me to was that the idea of “Shame on shame” is very real.
Shame talks to shame. The shame inside you will talk to the shame inside another person. This is how it works. Behind the scenes, covertly, making you think that your “judgment” or “assessment” of another is logical. It’s a way to keep yourself safe from whatever it is you’re mind has decided “they” are that you don’t want to be. And how many of ourselves can be our own worst enemies? Holding all that shame in? Judging only ourselves?
Shame talks to shame through our judgments of others. Our shame talks to us through our judgements of self. Through bias, through racism, through deeply rooted fears. What if shame was a tool you used to keep your fears in place so that you never actually had to grow into being the magical person you truly are?
What would it create if you asked to let all that shame go and embrace the beautiful mess of it all?
What would your life begin to look like, and what would you like to ask for?
I had fully intended to sit down and write about Attraction and Actualization, and Asking of the Universe what it is you would like to create in your life. Now I see that it’s important first to address the shame. If you have shame around receiving- shame around being here on this planet- shame around believing you are a deserving creature worthy of all the riches, bounty and ease of being alive, and the nurturance of the planet- then Attracting is not going to be so easy until you dare to acknowledge that, and let it go.
It may be you learned that shame. It may very well have been imprinted at a young age, the empathetic being you are sponged it out of your mother or father as a “kindness” to them and then kept it lodged in your own energetic field. “Oh, I will hold onto this for you, so you don’t have to! Oh, yes, let me carry your shame, because I love you and I want to be like you! That’s what we do on this planet, right?”
Regardless of where it came from, or who it belonged to originally- now is your opportunity to let it go. The invitation is here. Look into the mirror and be honest with yourself. Where are you holding you back, with your own shame? Where are you judging you?
With the Equinox upon us, the seeds we planted “In the Belly” of Imbolc are just starting to rear their little heads. Wouldn’t you like to throw your shame into the compost, rather that pass it along to these photosynthesizing little babies? As your creations start to take shape, wouldn’t you rather feed and foster them, than warp and whittle them away?
Only you can know what your choosing. Only you can hold you accountable.
And only you can ask yourself- What would I like to ask for? (and really, truly, ASK for it!!!)
Earlier today I was flipping through an old journal of “Asks” that I had written back in October. Including in this journal were very specific details of where I would like to live and how.
At the time I was still in New Orleans, preparing to move to Oregon. I asked for us to be living in a remote home by the woods and the sea, with water running through the property, with a comfy couch and a very comfy bed and nice furniture. I asked to be able to watch the sunrise from the living room. I was really giving myself permission to daydream and ask for what I would like and even greater beyond what I could imagine was possible! I used the tools of Access Consciousness to clear any stuck energies that may inhibit these asks (“everything that does not allow it” as the Clearings go) , and also to ask for the help of the Elemental Spirits in creating this reality for us in Oregon.
Then, I went on the road for three months and completely forgot about writing it all down! Of course I still held the vision strongly in my heart, and at the same time I had no idea what I was stepping into or where my partner & I would end up.
Now, five months later, we find ourselves happily situated for the time being in a home that matches that description and those asks exactly! I was really flabbergasted and had to intentionally celebrate this fact when I realized it!!! How often do you receive just what you have asked for, and forget to take the time to really celebrate it? Acknowledgement is an important part of receiving! It’s your way of telling your life- Yes, thank you, and more of this please! (Next time- I have to remember to ask that I can own it! ..hahaha.)
Now, I’m not saying I’m perfect. There were plenty, PLENTY of other “Asks” in my book that have still not shown up in my world. To me, this is an indication of places of my life, and pieces of my being, where shame still resides. Everywhere where I am asking for something and not receiving it, shows me that there is a part of me unwilling to receive it. It becomes of roadmap of what remains for me to clear, to work on, and to move through, humbly, as the imperfectly unique and wondrously mysterious being I am. Universe, what would it take?
So with that, on this Happy Equinox-of-Spring-day-
What are we all asking for?
What can we ask for as a collective, for the collective?
What can we ask for on behalf of the earth?
What is the earth asking of us?
and…..how is being in service to the earth also being in fulfillment of that which we are asking for?
The earth wants you to feel supported.
The earth wants you to feel held.
She loves to nurture you.
Are you willing to receive it?
She is asking for your shame.
Give it back to her, and she what she will make of it.